Saturday, July 30

A not so blissful Night !

I can not sleep I am overwhelmed by missing the twins, I felt uneasy when I spoke to them two days ago. They were calm enough but kind of cold. I long for Hamzah to come steal my lap top at 5 a.m. so he can google Star Wars action figures and I would like to hear Mo complaining about random stuff! I could never blame the twins for being cold because they have been through so much in their eight years of life. I am not happy to say that they have now spent most of the their life with me . They were in Morocco for two and a half years as they were taken around their third birthday. I plan to have their birthday party at a vintage coffee shop called WormHole here in Chicago's Wicker Park , they have vintage Star Wars galore and a couple of old nintendos complete with vintage Mario and of course Mexican coke bottles ! I can not wait to share those photos on my blog. I can not wait to share the twins on this blog they have so much personality . I tried to post a video maybe it worked , last summer of them dancing in Starbucks !

The last day of School 2010-2011

Messing around !

Now they will be eight , imagine eight years ago I was laid up on bed rest hardly sleeping much like tonight in fear that they would be born to soon and eleven days later they were born at 35 weeks. More sleepless nights pumping milk , round the clock feedings . Wow the ride it has been! Tears well in my eyes when I remember the past eight years and I have to try so very hard to push Mehdi from my thoughts or I will likely have a sleepless , tearful night ! I have to take Norah on a picnic and digging through the thift store for some old dolls so I can not let melancholy drift into my thoughts. My days are about Norah and the past is the past. I have learned to accept what we can not change and to change the things we can borrowed from 12 step and no I have never been a drunk and not a drugs. I just wish Mehdi happiness and I hope he knows one day that I do love him.
Sleepness nights are known to me well , like an old dark friend , while they were away and even now with Mehdi, I longed to hold them. I longed to hear them whine just a sign of life ! I did not know if I would ever see them again and each time I hold them or drop them off at school I stare or linger a bit longer adoring their presence , knowing nothing in life is certain and nothing is even permanent !
I guess most people wonder how on earth I let my children visit the man who took them to Morocco and left them there with his parents for two and a half years and the man who still holds my baby boy in Morocco. He should be in jail not with his kid right ? Well I have their passports he is not getting out of the USA IF by some miracle he did get a new passport , They can not be scanned the Office of Children's Issues in D.C. has a special list and my boys are on that list. So he is not getting outta the USA again ........ God bless the USA ! So he is their father the other half of their DNA SEQUENCE ! As much as I despise him for what he has done to us all keeping his kids away from him out of spite when he wants to see them would be ever more of a tragedic , why would I rip apart the relationship with their father as he did to me. There times many times in this life that we must suck it up and this is one of those times. I knew he was very extreme in his religious thinking and practice when we married. I procreated with him twice so ........ despite what happened in this past I believe in a second chance for everyone. We hardly discuss my son in Morocco , we hardly ever speak at all. I talk to my son once a week on web cam , however he speaks no English and my Arabic is limited to the communication is difficult at best ! So back to the Baba in San Fran , he remarried a 24 year old plain American girl. I have nothing against her this is her second Summer with the twins and honestly she is kinda a flake , she has no kids so I am sure she is doing her best and she can play WII with them and she is fairly found of Star Wars. She took them to Build a Bear and made Star Wars bears which I adored :) With that being said she is ok for a step mom and when she is in deep she calls upon her own mom , whom I have met once in the airport and kinda liked. My instincts tell me this girl and her recently widowed mother are ok. I just hope he is fair and sends me my children with no drama as I always have pure intentions for the visits and time they spend with him. I will never take their father away from them even if it means that he will fill their minds jammed packed full of ideas I can not agree with , even if it means he will lecture them for hours about religion and make them little Pan Arabist I will not take take them away, even if it means he finally takes my last breath when I have a heart attack I will not take them from their father , their family. I am not perfect so I can not judge the man for what he believes is right and what he thinks that he ought to do ! I mean part of having children is to impress you values, ethics and worldview upon their (tabla raza) blank slate little minds. I just hope they are wise enough to make their own choices which is something I will always give them the freedom to do. So goodnight ! I have never really vented on this much on this little blog !

1 comment:

  1. *hugs* You're trying to do the right thing, letting the kids have a relationship with their Father. The one thing you can count on, if you teach your kids to think for themselves, they will. As you've given them the freedom to do this, they will. They'll question, they'll learn, and they'll make their own choices in life. I know missing them is hard, but you've done all you can to insure they'll be returned to you.